The (film) Audition

I always think that 45 minutes is enough time to get ready in the morning. And I am always late. I wonder if there is a correlation. At any rate, my intention this morning was to get ready with enough time to arrive at the audition 15 minutes early, but instead left my house about 15 minutes before I was scheduled to audition. Brilliant. Thankfully, there was no traffic, weather, or road construction to deal with, so I made it in time.

The audition was held at one of my favorite places in Minneapolis. It is a place I don't get to nearly often enough and it is a silly place that closes at 8 pm during the week, at 5 on Saturdays and doesn't even open on Sundays, so it's pretty much inaccessible to the average working suburbanite. I was happy to have an excuse to go there. There are 3 floors of various classrooms, and all I knew was that the audition was being held in "one of the reading rooms upstairs." Eventually, I found a little room with snacks scattered across a table and upon further inspection, I saw people and a camera and guessed that this was probably the right place. I asked if it was the right place...but didn't really get a definitive answer...I stood there kind of stupidly wondering if I was being told that it was the right place, or that it wasn't the right place. It was eventually determined that it was the right place.

There were 3 people in the room when I arrived - the director, a guy (Helper Monkey), and a girl who I think is actually part of the cast already. Shortly after, a fourth person arrived, who was like me, a little late and a little stressed and there to audition. She was very professional; she walked in, asked if this was the audition, apologized for being a little late, and said, "I'm (her name here)." What I noticed about the other two girls there was that they have faces that I imagine look fabulous on film - really big eyes and full lips and defined cheeks bones and eyebrows. I immediately felt like a hobbit (not a desired effect).

This was my first moment ever attempting anything resembling acting in front of a camera...so any lingo or assumptions were completely lost on me. The director told us where we would be starting and which character to read and then Helper Monkey said, "Do you want to do names?" What the..?? Apparently that means saying your name (real name) and the name of the character you are reading for. So, I learned a new phrase...however, what I did not learn is where to address this little moment. Was I supposed to look into the camera? Was I supposed to say "my name is..." before saying my name? No idea...so I just looked off embarrassedly somewhere and said something stupid and we proceeded.

We read a scene while sitting, then read it again standing, then switched roles and read it again. After the last read, the director asked if there was anything we wanted to do with it. I said, "I have no idea how to answer that question." Driving home afterwards of course, I came up with all kinds of answers. The hardest part of the process was wrapping my brain around the fact that two of the people reading were not there to audition, so they were just feeding us lines - it was hard to get into a character when not everyone reading was in character. That is my biggest regret...I'm still processing it, and I think that it is probably the most valuable thing I learned - that it's important to ACT at an audition no matter what anyone else is doing or how they are doing it. I really wish I would have played bigger and more expressive. My other regret is that the two of us auditioning were supposed to be sisters, but I didn't act very sister-ish with her. I also wish I would have stood up straighter, pushed my hair away from my face, used my eyebrows more...ummm...so many things.

Even with all the awkwardness, it was really fun. It didn't suck. It didn't hurt. It felt safe and unpretentious which is always good. I honestly don't expect anything to come of it - there were at least 4 other girls (or, dare I say, women) who auditioned as well - still it would be really great to be part of. We shall see.

Foray Into Film??

So, a couple of weeks ago, I got an email from an acquaintance (those of you who have followed this blog since it's inception will know this acquaintance as "bad cop"). The email was sent to me as well as about 8 or so others regarding a short film project that was looking to cast 2 females, one in her late 20's and one in her mid 30's. I am all of those things. I read the email with interest and didn't do anything with it because I am:

• Not Photogenic
• Terrified of Cameras
• Unable to Make My Face do what I Want it to Do

However, upon further thought, I decided to reply with interest. People find it odd that I loathe public speaking but love performing on stage. I try to explain that there is a world of difference between being "yourself" in front of an audience and being "someone else." I thought that perhaps it's possible that acting in front of a camera is that same world apart from having a picture taken or giving an impromptu performance on film at a wedding reception. A few days later, I heard from the person who is directing the film and read through the script and decided that it wouldn't hurt to ride the wave as far as it would take me - I replied that I would love to be considered for either female. I thought better of making the presumptuous observation that I am on the old side of ideal for the younger character, and the young side of ideal for the older...but I will make that presumptuous observation here, in private, on the World Wide Web.

Today, I got an email from him letting me know that I'm scheduled to read for it at 10 AM on Saturday. So, that's exciting. I really don't expect anything to come of it (see bullets above), but man, what a great opportunity. If any of my readers are the praying sort, if you could pray that my body and my brain would cooperate with each other at the audition, I would be much obliged.

In old theater news, the connections are starting to happen and I am so grateful. I had a moment yesterday driving home where I prematurely mourned the end of the run...and that's a good thing. I think about the rest of the cast a lot (too much, I suppose) and really look forward to seeing them next...which makes it crummy that our rehearsal for tonight was cancelled (stupid snow) and we don't have a rehearsal again until Sunday. My hubby, however, is happy to have me at home for once...and I can't say I blame him. I'm nice to be around. Did I say that out loud? He's nice to be around too...the best really.

I am starting to wonder if theater for me has less to do with acting and performing, that with making new friends, or, failing that, meeting new people. I Googled "can an introvert become an extrovert" and learned that no, it isn't possible. But if it weren't for the Internet, I would swear that's what is happening to me. Every time a rehearsal ends and people grab their coats and run for the doors, I think, "Come on guys, let's hang out some more." All of our rehearsals so far have been Sundays through Thursdays...school/work nights for the educated and employed; maybe we will hang out some more once we are together on a Friday or a Saturday night. Or maybe I'm weird.

On Muses and Whatnot

I took a class about a year ago at the Loft in Minneapolis. It was a four week class called The Adventurous Storyteller and out of it came the seeds for a potential novel (optimistically) or at least a short story. There were scenes created that I fell in love with and have carried with me ever since, hoping to find an actual plot in which to weave them together into something profound and wonderful. I think it may have happened. The show that I am currently involved in has done, and continues to do, a bit of a number on my emotions. As exhausting as it is, in the course of the ride, I think I may have finally picked up my Muse and found the direction in which to travel.

The play deals with various people in various stages of life. My character is minor, and in neither her youth, nor her golden years, and is frankly a little dumb and probably doesn't think much about what season of life she is in. I, however, as in ME, Jessica, do think about my current season of life...and I don't particularly know what to make of it. I am no longer especially young and ideological, nor am I old and resigned to my fate such as it is. Some would say, I suppose, that I am in the prime of my life, but I feel so uncertain about what that means. I remember being struck at 19 by the line in The Glass Menagerie, where Tom says, "I am tired of the movies and am about to move." It struck me then as profound, and today it strikes me as utterly crucial. As though there isn't any more time to think about moving - there is only time to move or to not move. I have been not moving for entirely long enough.

A pastor who I enjoy listening to once talked about how people often sit around waiting for God to change them, or to change their lives and their circumstances. They just wait and wait, doing nothing, not recognizing how improbable it is that God is actually going to saunter into their living rooms, turn off the TV for them and tell them to get off their butts and do something. We get to make choices, we don't have to wait to be shoved before we move. We also might have to work a little bit.

I was talking last week with a castmate about the beauty of the immediacy of theater. I love knowing that once you're in, you're in. When I am part of a show, no matter how small a part, I feel alive...I feel like life is happening and it's happening now. It isn't waiting for me to show up or to get my crap together...it is living and breathing with or without me and I love when I get to be a part of it's breath. But I do so want to learn how to live in real life too...how to take that immediacy - that urgency - and turn it into something that is about more than just me.

This has been a rather random rambling...nowhere near as cohesive as I'd hoped it would be...but I'm just going to publish it anyway. Thanks for reading.

I'm Me

First of all, in Perfect Friend news, she has been cast as Thelma in The Trip to Bountiful at Lyric Arts! Hurray for Perfect Friend. Now, if you are dying to know who she "really" is, you can go see her perfect performance in this glorious show!

I wish I had written last night as I intended to, because every rehearsal leaves me with an entirely different emotional experience to wrestle through. I've said that this one is tricky. It is tricky because there are things I want to process and write about and share that quite simply, I can't - at least not yet, and certainly not here. These are things that I have to tuck away and hope to have an outlet for in some other capacity.

Sunday night was very fun. One of our castmates has been (and is still) involved in another show and so had sadly missed the first couple weeks of rehearsal. On Sunday, he was able to join us at last and I really enjoyed talking with him backstage...which is where I spend the bulk of my evenings these days. But I love it. It really is a benefit of having a "smaller" part...the potential to bond with the rest of the cast on a level that has nothing to do with the characters we are playing on stage.

There is also a certain level of awkwardness to backstage bonding. For example, at one time, there were three of us backstage, and I was telling an enthralling story. During the course of my tale, one of the other two had to leave to go on stage to say some lines or something. And so I had a brief moment of terror, wondering if the remaining person would have any interest hearing the rest of my story...and he did...much to my relief. At another point, again while there were three of us present, someone else was telling an (though slightly less, I'm sure) enthralling story. Again, during the course of the story, the other person present had to go act or some such nonsense. I was struck this time with a different, and worse, sort of terror. Would the person continue their story, even with me being the only available audience? Yes, they would...much to my relief.

Tonight, however, a less desirable scenario occurred. I was telling a (presumably not enthralling) story, and during the process, the eyes of my audience of three wandered away into a different conversation happening across the room. My dear 15 year old friend said, "Jessica, I'M listening to your story." And I happily finished it for her. Ugh. Sometimes it's hard to be human...and I hate being neurotic and insecure.

Tonight was also...shall we say...interesting...because some of the back stage conversation took an absurdly surreal turn. Things were said that I can't write about, because this is a PG (or PG-13 at it's worst) rated blog. Oddly, I find those turns somehow comforting. I absolutely love it when people put their cards out and let themselves be known...I love it when people don't pretend to be something or someone other than what they really are. It sounds contradictory, I suppose, what with theater being a catalyst for hiding behind characters and masks. But I think that has always been what I've found so exhilarating about theater; that although, naturally, there are phonies and frauds, there is also incredible sincerity. People get to just be. I wonder if it's got something to do with the transient nature of a show...people have the opportunity to come together as strangers and in the course of the experience, they can remain strangers, or they can let out all their crap and see what happens. It's safe, because it's temporary...and then when it's over...it's over. Or it goes on. Whatever.

Striving After the Wind

Perfect Friend reminded me that I've been neglecting my blog. It's true. My intention has been to chronicle each "experience" as it happens rather than giving 20/20 hindsight an opportunity to sensor. But this one is a tricky one.

We had our first read through last Monday. Traffic was kind to me and I arrived about 20 minutes early which allowed me to pick any chair my heart desired from which to await the arrival of the rest of the cast. Two of them, I knew from the previous show I was in, but the rest were mysteries, and as they arrived I tried to assign them to their character. There was the respectable beau that any mother would want her daughter to marry and the kindly older neighbor with a giant heart of gold. There was the newspaper boy and the well intentioned mother desparately concerned with the proper care and keeping of her daughters. Then there was the beautiful girl who was required to actually be beautiful, and the passion ingniting drifter whose prerequisite was that he look good without a shirt. Ahem.

When the woman who was cast in the role I wanted walked in, I knew immediately which character she was playing. And I say that without bitterness. And I say THAT without any of my usual charming sarcastic wit. When I announced on Facebook that I was "Christine", my sister-in-law asked if it was the part I wanted, I said that no, it wasn't the part that I wanted, but it was definitely a part that I want. Anytime I audition for something there is a wanted part...and to get cast in that role is the dream. To be cast at all is the goal. At least at this point in the game...to be cast at all is my goal.

We read through the play, and I had goosebumps the whole time. This show has been gorgeously cast and it is going to be amazing. During the long and frequent stretches where I had no lines, I just looked and listened in awe of the talent around that table. And I wondered at how it was very probable that by the end of March, that room of strangers would be a room of friends making all the usual promises and plans to stay in touch for life or longer.

Since the read through, I have had two rehearsals. And I have to say that I am so thankful for my dear 15 year old friend who is playing the "smart" sister - as opposed to the "pretty" sister. If she weren't there, I think at this stage, I would be having tremendous anxiety about whether I will be able to bond with the rest of the cast. This is always the way it goes, and I know that. At some point, something will click and we will all operate as a beautiful cohesive unit, but this show feels very different than the last couple of shows I have done...and I can't put my finger on why. Or maybe I can...but I won't write about it today.

Something very sad happened to someone in the cast this weekend. I wanted to have magic words to say that would make it all better and take away their suffering. Those kinds of words don't usually come from human lips, but I am hoping and praying that those words do come.

It got me thinking about the time in my life so long ago, when I believed with all my heart that the best hope anyone had for happiness and success was to be beautiful. Physically beautiful. And that if a person were beautiful, at least they could count on that to carry them through. I have since been made aware of the folly of that belief; however, it would appear that in this world, the beautiful people to seem to have an easier time of it. When I think back on all the effort I put into pursuing that elusive beauty, all I can see is desparation and emptiness and brokeness. There was a gorgeously decorated and well maintained castle wall that withstood attack after attack while the land within the wall was sadly neglected. In time, the wall could not stave off the enemy. When the wall was brought crumbling down, the battle worth fighting began because the heart of what lay within was exposed. Would I give up and die, or rise up and fight - ugly and beaten and vulnerable? I think I'm still fighting; every day I am fighting. But that tragically neglected interior kingdom is being rebuilt and refined into something that I hope is more beautiful than the well preserved wall could ever be.