The Audition - October 18th

So, yesterday, I had my weekly Saturday morning coffee talk with my favorite Coffee Friend. I had to cut it short because I didn't wake up early enough to get all ready for the audition before I went to meet her. After coffee, I scooted home to finish primping. I had spent about 3 hours the night before searching through clearance racks at TJ Maxx, Kohl's, Old Navy and Target looking for the perfect audition dress and shoes. I found a dress and I found shoes, but when I got home to put them on on Saturday morning, I decided that a dress that I had in my closet would be an adequate choice. However, the $25 spent on the new dress was not wasted because it is adorable and I will wear it often. That's what I'm telling myself. The shoes were perfect and highly necessary...a sensible pair of black flats is never a wasted purchase. That is also what I'm telling myself. I dolled all up and then headed out to pick up Perfect Friend. When I got to her house we each squealed in delight at how stunning the other looked and how precious it was that we were both wearing black and white dresses. And then we headed north to the audition.

Neither of us had any idea what to expect; my previous experience auditioning at this theater involved reading a monologue from the script. When we got there, there were about 6 others seated in the hallway waiting for their turns and a few pockets of people strewn about reading bits of scenes together. We were each given an application which we filled out, all the while giggling nervously and commenting on how we couldn't write because our hands were shaking. And then we were called in...together. Only the director was in the room, and he said that he would have us both read for the same part. He gave us each a piece of the script and told us that he would send someone else out to read the other part and we should work on the scene for a while in the hallway and then we would be called back in to read it.

When we were called in, I went first. I thought I nailed that scene. It was so fun, and the director laughed at appropriate times and seemed genuinely pleased. Afterwards, he gave me another scene to work on and said he would send out some others to read the other parts. So I went into the hall to work on scene 2 while Perfect Friend took her turn with scene 1. Three of us were working on our scene together when Perfect Friend came out of her first pass. She also had a new scene in hand. Her scene was the Monologue. I think my gut could sense at that moment my impending failure. We other three were called in to read our scene and it went fairly well...I didn't feel as confident about it as the first one. Afterwards the Director said, "Thank you for your time. We are having call backs on Tuesday so this afternoon or tomorrow we will call you if we need to hear any more from you." Then Perfect Friend went in to read her Monologue and afterwards was told the same thing, and then we drove home.

I dropped her off at her house, and then went home. I changed my clothes, got ready to take my dog for a walk and then remembered to turn my phone back on. There was a voicemail. Keep in mind that Saturday's auditions were to run from 10 AM to 3 PM and the time was currently about 1:30. The voicemail was from Perfect Friend squealing with delight that she had just been called and invited to callbacks on Tuesday. The auditions weren't even over for the day, and she already got her callback. I received no such call.

There has been a battle raging between spirit and flesh for the last 24 hours that is utterly painful. Rationally and in my heart of hearts, I am completely and absolutely thrilled for Perfect Friend. Of course I am! But in my ego and my flesh I am sad and disappointed. It stands to reason, and I don't think there is anything wicked or selfish in feeling that way...I think it would be less human if I weren't battling these irritating emotions. It has been really helpful, mentally preparing for this sort of inevitability. I read somewhere that Jack Nicholson was rejected for something like 25 parts before he landed a role. So much depends on the vision that the director has for the character, and when many actors are vying for one part, they might all be talented actors, but ultimately only one can be cast. A rejection must not be interpreted as categorical failure. This is a hard truth for me to accept, but I know it is so! So many fabulous writers and actors and musicians encountered rejection after rejection after rejection, but they were so certain that the pursuit of their passion was not in vain that they refused to give up. And eventually, their perseverance was rewarded. Of course, there is the question of talent and the potential lack thereof...but I'm not quite ready to accept that as an option yet.

Perfect Friend and I are going to another audition tomorrow night (Monday). This one has a lot of roles and many of them are gender neutral...so that's a plus. If she gets another callback and I don't, I will try desperately to not be jealous. But I might want to pull her hair or something. I never said I was perfect.