Striving After the Wind

Perfect Friend reminded me that I've been neglecting my blog. It's true. My intention has been to chronicle each "experience" as it happens rather than giving 20/20 hindsight an opportunity to sensor. But this one is a tricky one.

We had our first read through last Monday. Traffic was kind to me and I arrived about 20 minutes early which allowed me to pick any chair my heart desired from which to await the arrival of the rest of the cast. Two of them, I knew from the previous show I was in, but the rest were mysteries, and as they arrived I tried to assign them to their character. There was the respectable beau that any mother would want her daughter to marry and the kindly older neighbor with a giant heart of gold. There was the newspaper boy and the well intentioned mother desparately concerned with the proper care and keeping of her daughters. Then there was the beautiful girl who was required to actually be beautiful, and the passion ingniting drifter whose prerequisite was that he look good without a shirt. Ahem.

When the woman who was cast in the role I wanted walked in, I knew immediately which character she was playing. And I say that without bitterness. And I say THAT without any of my usual charming sarcastic wit. When I announced on Facebook that I was "Christine", my sister-in-law asked if it was the part I wanted, I said that no, it wasn't the part that I wanted, but it was definitely a part that I want. Anytime I audition for something there is a wanted part...and to get cast in that role is the dream. To be cast at all is the goal. At least at this point in the game...to be cast at all is my goal.

We read through the play, and I had goosebumps the whole time. This show has been gorgeously cast and it is going to be amazing. During the long and frequent stretches where I had no lines, I just looked and listened in awe of the talent around that table. And I wondered at how it was very probable that by the end of March, that room of strangers would be a room of friends making all the usual promises and plans to stay in touch for life or longer.

Since the read through, I have had two rehearsals. And I have to say that I am so thankful for my dear 15 year old friend who is playing the "smart" sister - as opposed to the "pretty" sister. If she weren't there, I think at this stage, I would be having tremendous anxiety about whether I will be able to bond with the rest of the cast. This is always the way it goes, and I know that. At some point, something will click and we will all operate as a beautiful cohesive unit, but this show feels very different than the last couple of shows I have done...and I can't put my finger on why. Or maybe I can...but I won't write about it today.

Something very sad happened to someone in the cast this weekend. I wanted to have magic words to say that would make it all better and take away their suffering. Those kinds of words don't usually come from human lips, but I am hoping and praying that those words do come.

It got me thinking about the time in my life so long ago, when I believed with all my heart that the best hope anyone had for happiness and success was to be beautiful. Physically beautiful. And that if a person were beautiful, at least they could count on that to carry them through. I have since been made aware of the folly of that belief; however, it would appear that in this world, the beautiful people to seem to have an easier time of it. When I think back on all the effort I put into pursuing that elusive beauty, all I can see is desparation and emptiness and brokeness. There was a gorgeously decorated and well maintained castle wall that withstood attack after attack while the land within the wall was sadly neglected. In time, the wall could not stave off the enemy. When the wall was brought crumbling down, the battle worth fighting began because the heart of what lay within was exposed. Would I give up and die, or rise up and fight - ugly and beaten and vulnerable? I think I'm still fighting; every day I am fighting. But that tragically neglected interior kingdom is being rebuilt and refined into something that I hope is more beautiful than the well preserved wall could ever be.