Getting Schooled

I read somewhere that Jack Nicholson was rejected 24 times before landing a part. I believe this to be one of those ridiculous unsubstantiated urban legends that actors use as balm for their rejection wounds. Still, it is absolutely true that anyone who is pursuing a dream with any degree of seriousness (even when their dream is nothing more than a glorified hobby) will face rejection more often than not.

Perfect Friend and I went to Mexico about a month ago. We lounged on the beach, drank mojitos and margaritas, amused ourselves with Mad Libs, and read together through a little gem of a play. PF was very excited about an upcoming audition for it, and I was on the fence about it. When I read through the character descriptions I was faced with a seemingly ever-present dilemma: I didn't "fit" any of them. There are three female characters in the play - one older and two younger. One of the younger is described as a newly married early-twentyish ingenuey kind of girl. The other is described as mid-twentyish and somewhat masculine. People who know me and love me tell me I could "totally" pull of the newly married ingenue. This is very sweet of them, but stand me next to PF, and it becomes quite evident who is the early-twentyish ingenue, not to mention that PF would likely be only one of many pretty young things vying for said role. As for the mannish woman, I like to think that I am a fairly girly girly-girl, but as we read through the script, I started to have a lot of fun with the manly-girl character. So I decided that I would audition, too.

PF went to her audition and then fluttered off to sunny Florida for a week. I auditioned 3 days later and left the audition feeling very good and very mature. For the first time I wasn't kicking myself over all the million things I wish I had done differently. I felt very grown-up as I thought, "I did good. If I don't get cast, it won't be because I suck, but just because someone else is a better fit." On a Tuesday, PF and I both got calls inviting us to callbacks. What with her being in Florida and all, PF couldn't be there, but I went and had a glorious time. And then began the waiting. And at the end of the waiting the result was in: PF = Early-Twentyish Ingenue. Me = Better Luck Next Time. Naturally, there was a bit of a sting...a few moments of self-flagellation...and then I was just really happy for PF and really eager for the next audition.

Here are a few valuable lessons I learned from this particular audition experience:

1. Never assume you know what the director is thinking. Ever. You are not so very clever.
2. Never assume that the director will be casting from the handful of people you see at callbacks.
3. If the audition is awesome enough, the role of a "masculine woman" will go to the most beautiful and feminine woman you've ever seen.
4. Not being cast does not mean you suck. Remember all those other people at callbacks that you thought were so amazing? They didn't get cast either. Do they suck now, too?

For some unfathomable reason, an audition is the only thing in my life that I am consistently willing to fail at for a taste of the delight found in sporadic, intermittent success. And for some also unfathomable reason, this exhausting cycle of rejection punctuated by occasional acceptance gives me some sense of certainty that I'm doing something I was made to do. Every time, yes or no, it feels like living. And that feels good.