Not Nearly Good Enough

I ran into a familiar face at an audition this week. We chatted a bit and in the course of conversation I said, "The problem with blogging is that you can't be completely honest." More accurately, you can't say everything you'd like to say. Okay you can. But not if you want to keep your friends. Not that I have anything bad to say about my friends. My friends are just great...but figuring out how to tactfully share less than dreamy experiences has nearly thrust me into permanent hibernation.

Let me just say that contrary to popular belief...not all children are wonderful. Some children are little monsters. In 2008, I had the privilege of being involved in a holiday production that was nothing short of magical. The cast consisted of 22 or so - 17 of which were under the age of 18. And every single one of those kidlets were wonderful. No exceptions. Even the trickier ones were wonderful, "quirky" perhaps, but I loved them with all my heart. Other (grown-up) people involved in the production would comment from time to time about what a unique and remarkable cast we were in how we bonded and played so well together. And I thought that surely they were exaggerating. They were not exaggerating. In 2009, I had the privilege once again to be involved in a holiday production at the same theater. It was not as magical. It was fine. It was fun. It was an honor to be included. Most of the children in the cast were glorious. But there were some children in that show who for the life of me I could not find it in my heart to love...or like...or tolerate. And I feel like a villain for saying it. But it's said. And that is all I will say about the time between the posts.

This week I was unsuccessful at yet another audition, and although I can blame it partially on a fierce respiratory cold, I must largely blame my lack of nerve control and my inability to be present in a given moment. It's ridiculous really, how distraught I am over this when I knew going into it that this particular audition would serve more as a "practice" audition than a viable acting opportunity. Even after I read the play in preparation for the audition, I closed the script and thought, "This play is far too sad. No one I know would want to see it. I don't want to be in it." Then I thought about it like a mature thinking-person and remembered that good doesn't always mean happy. The Glass Menagerie is not happy by any stretch of the imagination but it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Then I reminded myself that there was little chance of my being cast anyway, and as the only way to get good at auditioning is to audition, I determined to go to the darned thing and do my very best.

The hardest part is not that I wasn't cast...but rather that I didn't do my very best. I was trembly and dull and I think I might have skipped an entire section...but I can't even remember. It is just so exasperating to know that I could have done just heaps better. Unfortunately, a director who's never seen me act could not possibly be aware of that fact.

So I am now scouring for another audition to redeem myself with. Every time I "miss" at an audition, I feel a panic that I am one of those tragic people who thinks they are good at something and everyone around them knows that it's just not so. I cried a little bit last night and said to my dear husband, "I just want to be wonderful at something." To which he replied, "You are a wonderful wife." I guess that counts for something.